2003-06-29T00:11:00.000-07:00

Today, Nobody Asked You is taking on Dear Abby. Here's Abby's first question for Saturday, June 28:

DEAR ABBY: My fifth-grade son, "Mikey," is considered the best soccer player on our community team. My problem is the mother of another player on the team. I'll call her Phyllis. At least three other moms have told me that Phyllis has been criticizing me at the games to anyone who'll listen. I have never done anything to her, and I'm beginning to wonder if she's bad-mouthing me because my Mikey is a better soccer player than her boy. (Everyone knows the only reason her son is on the team is because his dad is the coach.)

Last Saturday, I was standing on the sidelines talking with another mother about the team's treats schedule, when Phyllis marched up and told me the treats I've been bringing to the games are junk food. How insulting! I made them myself.

Abby, I've had it with her. I try to stay as far away from this crazy-maker as I can. Is there a law against slandering someone like she's been doing to me? No way am I going to put up with her nonsense until our sons graduate from high school. Please help.

-- SOCCER MOM READY TO SOCK-IT-TO-HER

And here's Abby's typically milquetoast response:

DEAR SOCCER MOM: There are laws against slander, but in order to win a lawsuit you have to prove damages. Obviously, Phyllis is the community loudmouth. (Three people have told you so.) Continue to take the high road and ignore her comments. If you don't allow yourself to react to them, she'll look like a combative fool.

MY COMMENTS:

Does "Soccer Mom" really have nothing better to do than worry about her standing in the hierarchy of mothers on her son's little-league sports team? I thought people like this went extinct in the 1950s. I'll bet she still wears a frilly apron around the house, too, and loses sleep over getting her whites their whitest. (Ten bucks says the "junk food" she brought to practice was a Jello mold with miniature marshmallows in it.)

First off, it's not "obvious" that Phyllis is the community loudmouth. More likely, Phyllis is a perfectly reasonable woman, and "Soccer Mom" is in fact the community bitch.

She says her son is the best player on the team. Well, we've only got her word on that. It's hardly unheard of for parents to have inflated ideas of their children's talents, and to think their kid is the best, too. Not all of them can be right. It's probably safe to assume that none of these kids is the next Beckham. Who cares who's the best? Kids' soccer shouldn't even be about who wins games between teams, much less a competition among individual team members over who's "best." It's supposed to be a fun activity for the kids, not a cynical mechanism for their parents to compete by proxy.

It's also interesting to note that "Soccer Mom's" assertion that her kid is the best was the first thing out of her mouth. One wonders what percentage of her other conversations start this way? Has it occurred to her that everyone might be sick of hearing her go on about how much better her kid is than everybody else's? If it's not true, than it's annoying and insulting. And if it is true, she should stop rubbing it in.

Moreover, not only does she go around saying, "My kid is #1," (read: "Your kid sucks"); she has specifically singled out Phyllis' hapless offspring as a total loser who doesn't even deserve to be on the team. I'm sure that makes Phyllis' kid feel swell. (And don't think it hasn't gotten back to him. Kids keep their ears open; it's how they learn to talk.) Every kid who wants to play deserves to be on the team. If they win, great; if not, who cares? It's suburban pee-wee soccer, not the fucking World Cup. No wonder Phyllis hates "Soccer Mom's" smug, condescending ass.

I think it's highly likely that Phyllis is simply outspoken enough to state an opinion about "Soccer Mom" that the other mothers are too timid to voice (although at least three of them are repeating Phyllis' remarks in hopes that "Soccer Mom" will get the hint). "Soccer Mom" needs to stop thinking in terms of who does and doesn't belong on the team, and start thinking of ways to make sure that all the kids have a chance to have fun and feel good about themselves. Her own child is probably already doomed to grow up warped, given the little he's got to work with in terms of genes and environment, but that's no reason to ruin it for all the other kids. Stop treating the rest of the team like your kid's back-up band, "Soccer Mom"-- and while you're at it, stop shoving those godawful Jello molds down their throats.

Here's Abby's second question:

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Ruthie," and I have been together for 10 years and married for five. We have three beautiful children. Last year, I caught Ruthie having an affair, but I eventually forgave her.
To this day, every time my wife leaves the house, I can't help asking her who she's meeting, where she'll be, what time I can expect her home -- and if she's going to cheat on me again. Every once in a while, I still find strange phone numbers in her pocket or purse. When I call, the men always say they didn't know Ruthie was married. Then they quickly break it off with her.

Abby, I want my marriage to last. I love my wife with all my heart. What can I do to make my marriage to Ruthie better? -- KENTUCKY HUSBAND

And Abby's reply:

DEAR HUSBAND: Counseling might help if your wife sincerely wants to save the marriage. It's possible that she is a sex addict. If she's willing to admit that she has a problem, Sexaholics Anonymous can be helpful. It's a self-help group for sexually compulsive men and women. It can be contacted by writing: P.O. Box 111910, Nashville, TN 37222-1910. The Web site is: www.sa.org.

MY COMMENTS:

Sorry to tell you this, Kentucky, but you've got two choices: a) either get used to the fact that your wife has fucked other men, is fucking other men, and will continue to fuck other men, or b) prepare to leave the two-timing bitch. (Which is more or less what Abby would have said, albeit in a more ladylike way, had the gender roles in your situation been reversed.)

She had an affair. You let her get away with it, giving her the green light to continue having affairs till the cows come home (or she does, whichever comes first). Abby can call her a sexaholic if she wants (she's addicted to sexahol?), but the bottom line is that for whatever reason she's a serial adulteress who is suffering no ill consequnces from her actions, save for the fact that you occasionally call up her boyfriends and freak them out. Unless you say you won't put up with it-- and mean it-- there's no reason for her to stop.

So, either be willing to divorce her over this, or put up with it. Sure, a divorce could be messy, since you have "three beautiful children." (Actually, she has three beautiful children-- how many you have is anybody's guess. A simple DNA test could save you a bundle if things get ugly.) But if she cares about you or the kids, she'll quit screwing around. If not (and I suspect this is the case), she's not fit to be a mother to those children or a life partner to you.

If you're not willing to leave her, then get used to it. And if you're going to be getting used to it, you might as well let her know so the two of you can stop pretending. Lots of guys get off on having their wives screw other guys. Some like to watch, some just want to hear about it. Some even join in. Who knows; it might spice up your sex life-- and maybe you could even get a little action on the side yourself.

But if the whole notion of an open or semi-open marriage is absolutely unacceptable to you, prepare for the worst. Chances are that even if she pretends to accept your ultimatum, she'll keep on doing what she's doing. You'll find out and be bitter, sullen and resentful for the duration of your marriage-- creating an environment at least as unhealthy for your kids as a divorce would be.